


Hogwarts - Help Wanted

by Librasmile (Tenthsun)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hogwarts Behind the Scenes, Hogwarts History, Hogwarts workplace, Humor, Meta, Occasional touches of crack, Working in the wizard world
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 23:33:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5984662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenthsun/pseuds/Librasmile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Because it can't always be Dark Lords and Death Eaters, you know. Because the elves can't do everything. And because even wizards have to eat.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hogwarts Master Plumber Tantalus Flowright

**Author's Note:**

> _I've had something like this in the back of my head for a while although not in this format. This format seems the simplest way for me to introduce original characters created to answer my questions about how the heck Hogwarts really runs. I've already created the school's accountant in **"Confessions of a Cornwall Grad."** Now I want to know who does the plumbing and fixes the windows and restores the paintings? Yeah I know, I have no life, lol._

**From:** _Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress, Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland, vicinity of Hogsmeade_

 **To:** _Mr. Tantalus Flowright, Owner-Master Plumber, Flowright Plumbing, Ltd., Glasgow, Scotland_

 **Date:** _June 24, 1993_

**Dear Mr. Flowright:**

Thank you for your services in unclogging the toilets in the girls’ lavatory. The management of restless spirits is a particularly delicate process and Moaning Myrtle has always been a bit of a handful. Your diplomacy in getting her to expand her haunting area to more manageable drains was a master stroke. I’m sure she will be very effective in plugging that chronic leak near the Slytherin dorms. Enclosed, please find a Gringotts cheque in the amount specified by your invoice, as well as an added gratuity for going above and beyond your requested service.

In addition, Professors Sprout and Snape wished me to extend their gratitude as well. Prof. Sprout says her tantacula leaves are overgrowing their pots and will require replanting much sooner than she expected. Clearly, your upgrade to the greenhouse irrigation system has done wonders.

Prof. Snape said that while the potions lab drains should have been widened to speed drainage (I _have_ explained to him that would require more work than is allowed for in the yearly operational budget) your remediation of the corrosion in the pipes has greatly reduced the time he has to devote to applying acid-base neutralization spells every week, which must - in his words -  “be counted as an advantage.” Believe me, that is generous coming from him! In addition, he expressed his appreciation for you plugging that leak near the Slytherin dorms (again, while simultaneously fixing the girls’ lavatory and managing Moaning Myrtle – clever work that!) and cleaning out the heating system pipes to allow more even distribution of heat in the dungeons. As a result, he expects he will have to brew fewer pepper-up potions for cold and flu patients next year.

I must also add that the Headmaster was highly satisfied with the quality and ingenuity of your work. He would like you to know that you are our first choice for any future plumbing repairs. In light of that, I must let you know, in confidence, that a section beneath Hogwarts will require major plumbing renovations. Typically, per Ministry regulations, we would put such a major project out for bid. However, the Headmaster specifically asked that I inquire with you first. Have you ever heard of a creature called a basilisk?...


	2. Hogwarts Express Engineer: Wilton Ironsides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Workplace errors - even Hogwarts has occupational safety procedures.

**From:** _Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress, Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland, vicinity of Hogsmeade_

**To:** _Mr. Wilton Ironsides, Engineer, Hogwarts Express, Hogsmeade, Scotland_

**Date:** _September 2, 1993_

**Dear Mr. Ironsides:**

It is with regret that I must inform you that your services are no longer required by Hogwarts. As you are now aware, your keys will no longer function and I ask that you please return them by day’s end to Groundskeeper Rubeus Hagrid who will then escort you from the grounds. Please do not try to leave before doing so. The Headmaster has modified the castle wards to ensure that he will be alerted if you attempt such an action. Should you attempt to take such an action anyway, the local constable will be summoned to take you into custody. You will however be paid through the end of the month, with your galleons delivered by secure goblin courier post.

Although you have previously provided Hogwarts with years of safe and consistent train service, I cannot express enough how deeply disappointed I am in your allowing the Dementors of Azkaban to board a train filled with children. You have a sworn duty to preserve the safety of our students. You were specifically informed in advance that a fully qualified defense professor would be onboard to handle any encounters with those foul creatures. Yet instead of summoning this professor, you allowed those monsters to board the train anyway. Several students were adversely affected, and at least one lost consciousness. This is inexcusable. The Headmaster and I are in concurrence that, when it comes to protecting our students, such disregard can never ever be allowed.

While it may be cold comfort, rest assured that charges of negligence will not be filed. The Headmaster tends to be more forgiving than I myself would be in similar circumstances. However, there will be no possibility of Hogwarts providing you with a reference for future employment.

With disappointment and regret,

Minerva McGonagall

 


	3. Hogwarts Chaplain: Rev. Epiméthée Emile de Bourgeon, Ecclesia Magi*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When it comes to hiring, referrals are still the best way to find new talent._

**From:** _Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster, Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland, vicinity of Hogsmeade_

**To:** _Rev. Epiméthée Emile de Bourgeon, Ecclesia Magi*, Master of Thaumaturgical Theology, Master of Arts in Art History, London_

**Date:** _May 21, 1980_

**Dear Rev. de Bourgeon:**

Let me express how delighted I am that you have accepted our invitation to join our faculty family here at Hogwarts! Literally, in your case, since your Aunt Pomona has been shining her lovely Hufflepuff light here for decades.

Welcome, welcome, my boy! I look forward to showing you around the castle. I also hope, if time permits, that you will allow me to join you and Pomona for tea. She has been floating on a cloud since she learned of your acceptance – and I suspect has already planned a little welcome/celebratory tea upon your arrival anyway.

Please let me know immediately if you have any difficulties with floo travel or the faculty account we’ve set up for you at Gringotts and I shall have our bookkeeper Ms. Spencer** address it without delay.

And please do not let my references to your family connections mislead you into believing I do not properly value your credentials. I have done my homework, so to speak. I’m fully aware of how rare it is to find a chaplain with your level of artistic expertise. Chief Restorer Poseidon Pince had nothing but praise for your talents when I enquired with him about your tenure at the William & Mary Museum for Magical Artefacts and Antiquities***. Between you and me, I believe he was a bit sad to let you go. I cannot blame him. But neither can I pity him since your talents are sorely needed here. Our chapel services**** have been in abeyance for far too long as has professional maintenance of our art collection*****.

For quite some time, our more spiritually inclined parents – especially the parents of our Muggle-born students – have decried our lack of regular religious services – a criticism we’ve justly earned, I’m afraid. They will be most pleased to know that their children will no longer have to trek into Hogsmeade in all sorts of weather to attend services nor have any excuse to sleep in on a Sunday! And please do not hesitate to request any needed renovations to the chapel. The elves have maintained it to the best of their abilities. However, we are also fortunate to have a fully qualified Pythagorean Fellow****** residing in nearby Hogsmeade. He inspects the castle foundations every summer and would be quite happy to assist you should you decide the services of a stonemason are required.

As for our art collection, I am most certain you will be impressed with our vast array of paintings, sculptures, tapestries, armor and ormolu. However, I hate to admit it, but far too many of our paintings have become a bit dingy and faded. And our caretaker, Argus Filch, reports constant complaints from several of our more vocal portraits. Our suits of armor have taken to wandering around at odd hours due to the lack of maintenance charms (our Argus is, unfortunately, a squib). And our sculptures have become entirely bored with their designated positions and have taken to adopting new postures at will – much to the consternation of our First Years who tend to use them as landmarks for learning to navigate the castle.

I consider it quite a boon to Hogwarts that we were lucky enough to find someone who could help us tackle both problems at once. That you are kin to one of our most beloved professors makes your acceptance of my offer of employment that much sweeter. I look forward to us both having a happy and productive year,

With warmest regards,

_Albus Dumbledore_

P.S.

Pomona tells me that before you journey here you’ll be taking a quick side trip to Beauxbatons. Please convey my greetings to your former Headmistress as well as my thanks for her contribution to providing us with such a marvelous addition to our staff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _***Ecclesia Magi** – or, as I translate it, **the Church of the Magi.** Although theologically it begins with the Epiphany, also known as the Adoration of the Magi at Christ’s birth (hence members being known colloquially as Adorants), most scholars place its official establishment in 1273 AD with the publication of Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologica. Aquinas’ denouncement of witchcraft made it clear that magical congregants would need to form their own church in secret order to protect themselves. Some scholars however place its founding much earlier in 744 AD at the Council of Leptines (or Lestines) which decried the belief in magic or in the 480s AD when St. Augustine of Hippo claimed magic could not exist. _
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> _****Demeter Spencer** \- Hogwarts accountant from my WIP "Confessions of a Cornwall Grad." She also appears in "Accounts Past Due."_  
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> _*** **The William & Mary Museum of Magical Artefacts and Antiquities**, or the William & Mary for short, is the official archive of magical history in London. It was founded in 1689 shortly after William III and Mary II’s ascension to the throne via the Glorious Revolution of 1688. _
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> _******To me, it’s unfathomable that a castle like Hogwarts could exist without a chapel.** Even if was closed at some point in time there would have been one. And as I’m under the impression that people weren’t really allowed to become free thinkers in Scotland until around the Napoleonic Era, I imagine that Hogwarts would have had chapel services if only to keep the local witch finders at bay._
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> _*******If only from the movies, it’s clear that Hogwarts’ art collection is MASSIVE.** I can’t imagine that either the elves or Argus Filch would be equipped to curate or maintain it. Because Princess Diana’s ancestral home, Althorp, was refurbished under the guidance of experts from the Victoria and Albert Museum, I assumed Hogwarts would require similar expertise. So I created it! As for the armor and statues moving because they got bored – I just threw that in there for kicks and giggles!_
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> _********Pythagorean Fellow** – this is Uriah Sands from my WIP “Confessions of a Cornwall Grad.” Every summer Uriah inspects Hogwarts’ foundations to confirm all is well. Although, like all the Cornwall graduates, he is not a full-fledged wizard, he is a Fellow of the Pythagorean College. That is a body of quasi-magical stonemasons and carpenters trained to construct and maintain magical buildings of all kinds. I suspect that the blue prints of a Pythagorean Fellow who inspected the castle before Uriah’s time forms the basis for the Marauders’ Map. Just think about it…_


	4. Hogwarts Kennel Master (and Keeper of Cats) Canopus Leach

**INTEROFFICE MEMO**

**From:** _Canopus Leach*, Kennel Master, c/o Hogwarts House Elf Hinky_

**To:** _Argus Filch, Caretaker_

**Date:** _July 5, 1993_

**RE:** _Mrs. Norris’ Birthday_

Argus, stop worrying! Mrs. Norris is right as rain I tell ya! No more stiffness. She’s walking and jumping and skipping like she always has. Pomfrey, Prof. Snape and that vet from Hogsmeade all say she’s good as gold. And you know Prof. Snape wouldn’t lie to you. We can have her party same as usual. Can’t no basilisk keep her down!

Now, I cleared it with the Headmaster. He’s set a spell that’ll bring all Mrs. Norris’ favorite cats to the barn when you’re ready. You just have to ring the bell. Hagrid’s lined the place with thestral dung to keep the raccoons and other nasty forest critters away. We’ve cleared a place all the way across the floor and all the way up to the rafters. There’ll be plenty of space for them to roll in the hay, chase rats, climb poles and scratch to their hearts’ content.

And they won’t go hungry neither. Demmie’s** got a whole plate of kippers on ice for them. Sprout’s bringing up a bushel of catnip. And the elves have got the sweetest vat of cream you ever did see. You don’t have to worry about a thing!

Now don’t get upset when you check the kitty hutch where her presents are being kept. Prof. Snape said he made something special for her but it’s tricky and he’s got to bring it up himself. If I know him, he’s whipped up some brew that’ll give those brats a nasty knock the next time they try to pull her tail. Serves ‘em right! Remember what happened to that Gryffindor boy that kept stuffing her in the suits of armor? Ooh, Prof. Snape got him good! I heard from Demmie that he still runs screaming from cats. Ha! Can’t wait to see what Snape’s done this year. Oh! Make sure you get a trim and wear your good coat. I think we’re going to get the little Creevy boy to take pictures.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Argus needs friends** – It always hurt my feelings to see poor Argus so upset over Mrs. Norris being petrified in Chamber of Secrets. And of course there was the suggestion in the series that Snape and Argus are friends. Well I figured Snape and Mrs. Norris couldn’t be his only friends at Hogwarts._
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> _* **Canopus Leach, Kennel Master** – Okay there are entirely too many owls and pets for the elves alone to handle. They’ve got enough on their plate simply with cooking and housekeeping. So I figure someone out there has to feed the animals, groom them and take them to the vet when necessary. Plus, I can’t imagine that Argus has time to clean the coops or the kitty litter! And if somebody’s not grooming those cats, the hairballs will take over the place…_
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> _** **Demmie** – aka my trusty Demeter Spencer, Hogwarts accountant/bookkeeper. Read my WIP **“Confessions of a Cornwall Grad”** to learn why she and Argus are friends._
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> _**Minor Note on Hinky:** I figure that neither Canopus nor Argus are very literate nor do they use a lot of interoffice memos. So Hinky would be the go between._


	5. Hogwarts Library: Excerpts from the "Encyclopedia of Magical Occupations"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Before choosing your profession, it's always best to do a little research..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Okay I **know** I'm insane and this is tedious as heck to most folks. What can I say? I'm just one of those people who finds infrastructure sexy. *snerk* I'll try to make it more interesting by having actual characters and stuff next time_

**Excerpts from the _Encyclopedia of Magical Occupations_**

While Americans hail Benjamin Franklin for his pioneering research into the properties of electricity, wizards also hail him for his groundbreaking research into magical electricity also known as electro-magic or electro-mancy. Historians typically cite this as the reason for the Constitutional Commonwealth’s advanced standing in the field of electro-magical technology …

…America’s installation of a nationwide electro-magical power grid in the 19th century laid the groundwork for electro-magical engineers, arithmancers, and compu-mancers [ **Note:** compu-mancers – \ **΄** kəm-pyü-΄man(t)-sər\ _n_ , _often attrib_ (1946): one that computes, specifically, a wizard skilled in integrating and using magic with Muggle computers; the term developed when wizards began formulating theories and protocols on how to integrate electronically powered computers with spell energy. – **_Merriam-Webster Dictionary of Magical Terms_** ] to construct the Magick-Net, later known as the World Wizard Web, in the 20th…

Magical domain name extensions approved for the Magick-Net include “.mgk” short for “magick” and “.occ” short for “occult”.

Some historians believe that the necessity of secreting the Magick-Net on the Muggles’ Dark Web fueled British resistance to adopting use of the World Wizard Web until well after the 2nd War With Voldemort. Too many wizards and witches apparently confused the Dark Web with Dark Magic…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**"Historical" Notes:** Okay I made a couple of assumptions here. _
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> _First, I believe it's fanon that electricity doesn't work with magic. Even if it's canon, I still find it a bit of stretch to believe the whole British magical word is condemned to living by candle, coal or torchlight all their lives. Then I took a closer look at the movies and noticed that there WERE lamps dotted here and there - especially in Order of the Phoenix. I couldn't tell whether they were oil or electric. But if there can be a radio and the metal work in the Chamber of Secrets looks machine-drilled then I'm going to assume that wizards CAN use electricity._
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> _Second, wizards on either side of the Pond would be unable to use computers without a fully established electrical power grid adapted to work well with magical energy. This problem has been solved._
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> _Third, just as America built the Internet, I'm going to go with the notion that America would be advanced in the use of electro-magic. Sorry, I'm American so I'm biased, lol._
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> _Fourth, there must be a branch of wizardry that's able to work with computers. So, just as there is arithmancy (presumably arithmetic plus -mancy, the magical suffix), there must also eventually be compu-mancy._
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> _As for wizarding America, I'm calling it the Constitutional Commonwealth. Before the enactment of the U.S. Constitution, it was known as the Continental Commonwealth. Before the Revolution it was known as HIs Majesty's Colonial Commonwealth of Magic._
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> _By the way, I stole the compu-mancer definition from the actual Merriam-Webster Dictionary by mashing together the definitions for computer and necromancy. I added the year of 1946 because it seems to me that wizards wouldn't tackle the problem of merging magical and computer technology until after the War with Grindelwald ended and they were able to take note of how computers helped the Muggles win against their version of Grindelwald._
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> _...yes I have entirely too much time on my hands..._


	6. Post-Hogwarts: Draco Malfoy's College Rejection Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Draco faces some challenges after the war._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Told you I'd add a character in the next chapter. And now I'm one step closer to laying the groundwork for the Dramione I've always wanted to write. Consider the previous chapter as a primer for this one._

**January 7, 1999**

_**From:** Thomas Bell Franklin, Ph.D. E.E. Dean, Nikola Tesla Institute for Electro-Magical Studies, Franklin  & Banneker College of Thaumaturgy, Stanford University, Pacific Territory, Constitutional Commonwealth of Magic of the United States of America_

_**To:** Draco Ares Abraxas Malfoy, The Priory, Wiltshire, England_

**Dear Mr. Malfoy,**

Thank you for your interest in our school. We have received your application for enrollment within our storied institution. I must, however, confess to some surprise. Based on the reports of the troubles that have beset your Ministry of late, I was under the impression that the magical community in Great Britain supports a more…traditionalist view of the practice of magic. In fact, in my 15 years here, I cannot recall more than 5 foreign exchange students originating from your home country. All of them were from Hogwarts of course, more specifically Ravenclaw House, which has a reputation for fostering the kind of mental discipline and abstract thinking required to successfully complete our program. You, as I understand it, were educated in Slytherin House – which carries a distinctly different reputation.

I’m sure you understand that, in light of all the unrest that has plagued your country, we remain undecided as to whether to accept you. The Electromancy Engineering program is quite rigorous. Stanford, as I’m sure you know, is one of, if not the most, prestigious universities in the Commonwealth and indeed around the world. The College of Thaumaturgy is held to the same high standard. Students who cannot meet it once admitted are summarily dismissed and not invited back.

In your favor, your NEWTS are excellent. Moreover, your grades in Transfiguration, Arithmancy, Charms, Astronomy and Potions, all of which you would use here, are all outstanding. I see you’ve also made up for your deficit in formal Wand Crafting classwork with an internship at Ollivander’s – whose reputation is as prestigious as Stanford’s as I’m sure you know. Were you to be accepted, I’m sure you would adapt quite well academically.

However, as I’m sure you’re also aware, our Commonwealth has recently imposed strict quotas on the emigration of citizens from your country as a matter of national security. The escape of several war criminals from your shores has left our government quite wary of any kind immigration from your region of the world. Hence, before any permanent decision can be made, you are required to undergo a multi-level background check. In addition, you will be required to obtain a residential sponsor who is also a Commonwealth citizen who is willing to liaison with your embassy and accept legal responsibility for your conduct within our borders.

I apologize for these atypical requirements. I do understand that hostilities have since been quelled and your Ministry has re-assumed control. But our Executive Secretary has been unable to convince either our College of Electors or our Council of Governors to rescind these restrictions.

Therefore, please complete and return the enclosed documents authorizing a background check. When you return them please also submit a letter of sponsorship from a Commonwealth citizen and which has been certified by your embassy. Meanwhile, I shall submit your academic record and collateral materials to our admissions board for review.

Wishing you best of luck and once again thanking you for your interest,

Dean Thomas Bell Franklin

 

**_Attached handwritten note_ **

_Your Potions Master Horace Slughorn is a longtime colleague who’s been an invaluable resource to myself and our institute here. Not only did he write you a glowing recommendation he also took the time to visit our campus so that he could make the case for you personally. Prof. Slughorn is a creature of his comforts, so the fact that he bestirred himself to cross the Atlantic Ocean and the continental Commonwealth just to put in a good word for you is irrefutable testimony of just how highly he thinks of you. So it behooves me to honor his faith in you by penning this word of advice._

_While I understand your reluctance to recount your wartime experiences in your submitted essay, I strongly advise you to reconsider. I have read the transcripts of the Death Eater trials. A personal statement from you would go a long way towards swaying the admissions committee. Although your academic record is exemplary, our committee members see similar applications every day. What they do not see is someone with the character to survive a war propagated by a madman who destroyed your father, hijacked your home, and blackmailed you into his personal political cult. While you may wish to minimize your history, I suggest you be forthright and withhold nothing. The courage and strength of will it took for you to survive such an ordeal – especially the carnage at the last battle – with your sanity and academic ambition intact will make the admissions board eager to meet you._

_It also indicates the kind of character we seek in our students. Our students tend to make their mark on the world, Mr. Malfoy. And I cannot believe you have overcome such an ordeal for nothing. I suspect you have much more to do. You simply have to convince the admissions committee of the same. You have shown so much courage so far, don’t be afraid to use your personal story to get your foot in the door Mr. Malfoy. If you do, whatever happens, you will have won half the battle._

_Sincerely_

_Dr. Franklin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> 1\. I like to think that Nikola Tesla was a wizard.
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> _2\. The names Franklin and Banneker refer to American Founding Father Benjamin Franklin who was a pioneer in the research of the properties of electricity and to Benjamin Banneker, an African American who helped design (IIRC) the layout of Washington, D.C. In my universe, this college is colloquially referred to as The College of the Two Benjamins._
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> _3\. The Constitutional Commonwealth exists in parallel with the United States but is organized a bit differently. It is run by an Executive Secretary who answers to the U.S. President. The Council of Governor members govern individual territories and also act as a sort of cabinet/senate. The College of Electors - a play on the Electoral College (hey it's election year!) acts as the lower house or House of Representatives._
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> _4\. Potions and Wand Craft are needed because electricity needs a medium through which it can be conducted. Potions and wands would deal with such conductive materials._
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> _5\. I forgot to add that I HATE generic names for pureblood estates. The name "Malfoy Manor" bores me to tears. So I decided that the Malfoy home is named The Priory. Its full name is The Priory of the Eye of the Southern Cross. Yeah it's a bit curly-cue. But the Southern Cross is sometimes called the False Cross and "Malfoy" means "bad faith" so the estate name fits. I forget why I added "The Eye" although I recall the Eye of Horus allegedly had magical properties and in Egyptian mythology the first magician was either Thoth or Isis I think. So there you go._
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	7. Hogwarts: Alumni Update

**From:** _Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress, Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland, vicinity of Hogsmeade_

**To:** _Marguerite Peppershade, Gryffindor, Class of ’95, Cardiff, Wales_

**Date:** _August 2, 1996_

**Dear Marguerite:**

First, let me extend my congratulations regarding your forthcoming nuptials. It’s so rare to see a Gryffindor-Ravenclaw match nowadays. Prof. Flitwick and I were both tickled pink to learn that you and Mr. Luxrum – Arthur, isn’t it? – would be exchanging vows in Jamaica next year.

The owls arrived at breakfast yesterday in a riot of confetti and stationery. The Headmaster was delighted. And Prof. Hagrid nearly fell out of his chair. You dear girl – why didn’t you tell me? Two hours’ worth of high tea and you never let slip a word. You sneaky child! You put the Slytherins to shame.

Please don’t tell Prof. Snape I said that! We don’t want him poisoning my tea now do we? Although the thought of him dressing for a Caribbean getaway has me cackling like a madwoman every time I look at him. I’m afraid he’s become a bit wary of me. Wait until he sees the pith helmet the Headmaster’s gotten him! At least he won’t incinerate in the sun – not at first anyway.

But enough of my nonsense. Rest assured we will all be there. For all the time you spent in the Slytherin Common Room (which still amazes me – until I recall your outstanding arithmancy scores) you might as well have been one. And that is NOT an insult. So I’m sure Prof. Snape will attend if only to gloat that it was HIS students who pulled you through Prof. Vector's class. I’ll even wager he’ll wear something other than black. You, of course, will look and feel glorious!

Now on to business.

I must confess that when I received your inquiry about researching the use of electricity at Hogwarts I was flummoxed. I’ve quite honestly never given a moment’s thought to it. But after I read your letter I decided to do an impromptu survey and I realized you were right. There is more electrical use at Hogwarts than I’d realized. The table lamps, certain chandeliers and of course the wireless are but a few examples. And I admit I’d never looked into the spells that make them work. I assumed it must be some form of arithmancy at least to start with. When I consulted with Prof. Vector, she agreed. I’m sure I can get the Headmaster’s approval for you to map the castle wiring. I believe Filch has the blueprints. I’ll also send a note to our stone mason Uriah Sands. He lives in the village and is quite a helpful soul. Who knows? We might even finally be able to get all those compute-y things the Muggleborns are constantly whinging about when they get here. (No offense dear.) Besides we’ve got to show those Americans they don’t have a monopoly on electrical magic. Just send me your requirements and itinerary and I'll arrange things with Prof. Dumbledore.

Warmest regards from your former head of house,

_Minerva McGonagall_

 


	8. Hogwarts: Potions Master Delivery Problems

**Simon Fache, Journeyman Brewer** Ferr Alley, London

Brewer Fache:

The canine you requested will be available for your retrieval at the agreed upon date and destination. Allow me to express my appreciation for your willingness to accept responsibility for this stray. Many-Licks is entirely too large for our Kennel Master to care for or, indeed, control on a daily basis. And we cannot afford to distract our gamekeeper by forcing him to care for something smaller than a hippogriff or less dangerous than a blast-ended skrewt.

Your situation however seems perfect. Dr. McRabb of All Creatures Veterinary Clinic has confirmed that he is not only healthy but also properly inoculated and should present no threat to your son. Please review the enclosed health certificate. The doctor also assures me that, despite his size, the animal is quite calm and entirely biddable when managed with a firm but affectionate hand and affection is hardly my area of expertise. He is strong enough to pull your cart without strain during your daily deliveries. And, like a giant, he is resistant to most ordinary jinxes or hexes.

I believe it is safe to say that he will improve your productivity immediately. Moreover, his presence is more than likely to deter any local thieves or ruffians that might wish to harass you or your family. The knowledge that he is a stray salvaged from Hogwarts will be enough to put most of them off.

In light of that, I will assume that all difficulties or delays with regard to the acquisition of my regular order will cease forthwith. If not, be forewarned. I shall not hesitate to seek an alternative. As you and I both know, that is not a deficit from which your household’s budget can easily recover.

Cordially yours

_Severus Snape, Potions Master, Head of Slytherin House, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, Scotland_

 

(Enclosed Separate Unsigned Note)

_He should also guard against your rivals’ potential tampering of any potions you may devise for your master’s project should you wish to make another attempt. Believe me, Simon, when I tell you I am thoroughly acquainted with the types of sabotage of which such characters are capable. As the test examiners take such a cavalier view of such sabotage, it falls to those of us who wish to advance to make our own rough justice. Since I am restrained in taking action on your behalf, I have no doubt that Many-Licks will constitute both a deterrent and a retribution to such rivals._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _For those of you who were wondering, I keep changing my mind on what breed Many-Licks is. Technically, I suppose, he's a mutt (he is a stray after all). I like to think of him as a mix of magical Rottweiler (https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/32/3c/6f/323c6f3ff50f7ccb49ea801593c6e88b.jpg), Belgian mastiff (http://alldogswelcome.com/uploads/3/4/1/4/34145648/7625874_orig.jpg) and Greater Swiss Mountain Dog (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Swissy.JPG). He's a BIG dog. And certain large breeds were apparently bred to pull butcher carts and similar such items (https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/f2/d2/ab/f2d2ab9131d316860dcb452a71762965.jpg). So it's not a large leap to see Severus having a delivery guy who needs such a dog._
> 
> _And no, my Severus is NOT a dog person, no matter how large or small the breed *grin* Personally I think he's not calm or patient enough. I'm a cat person but I like dogs and I think Severus would just perpetually hurt a poor doggie's feelings. A cat on the other hand could care less. Cats are WAY more self-sufficient than dogs. Personally I think Severus is a perfect cat person. And it wouldn't really matter to him that he'd have to wait for the cat to pencil him into its schedule before our Potions master could get some cuddle time with it!_
> 
> _Still Many-Licks is a blessing to Simon. And can you imagine how Severus' childhood and adolescent would have been different if he'd had Many-Licks as a familiar? Just let the Marauders try to sneak up on him then!_


	9. Hogwarts: Work/Life Balance - Slytherin Movie Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Work-life balance is always important, even for wizards - teachers and students alike._   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _See if you can guess the movie title below. Yeah I couldn't resist, especially after all the celebrities we lost this year. Consider this my humble tribute to a certain princess..._

**INTER-OFFICE MEMO**

**From:** _Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster, Hogwarts_

**To:** _Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House_

**Re:** _Slytherin Movie Night – Title Selections_

 

**Severus:**

I must commend you on the resounding success you’ve made of your new Slytherin Movie Night – I can't believe none of us ever thought of having one before. The dim glow of the dungeons is perfect! All that watery green light from the lake. It has the perfect atmosphere for cinema. And of course all that lush upholstery you blackmailed me into getting for your house oh so many years ago is finally paying off. Although I expect Minerva to come bursting into my office any day now, demanding similar upgrades for the Gryffindor Common Room. Sad to say, if I give in, unlike your house, the Gryffindors will ruin it all inside of a month. But let's just keep that between you and me shall we?

On to more important matters - the number of Muggleborns attending is truly astounding, my boy. (I commend your house for restraining its natural inclinations and not hexing them at the door. Then again, I DID just receive Ms. Spencer's accounting of your ticket sales. I suppose for 125 galleons a weekly screening you wouldn't care if we wallpapered the theater with Muggleborns.). You’ve created a TRULY harmonious interhouse, magical-muggleborn activity. I’m simply humbled. Even the teachers are thrilled. The threat of removing movie night privileges has done wonders with the Weasley twins. I’m sure it won’t last. It never does with them. But they haven’t been this compliant in YEARS. I tip my hat to your cleverness.

However, I am compelled to remind you to exercise caution in your selection of movie titles. I’m not sure which of these little theatricals sparked the outbreak. But several Gryffindors have had to replace incinerated wands after setting them alight in imitation of something called light stabbers. And more than a few of them have been caught on the upper floors trying to cross the gaps between staircases by swinging across on a rope! Although I must say, I find this odd, new double-bun hair style some of our female students have adopted to be rather adorable, so no harm there.

The other incidents could be chalked up to youthful exuberance. However, Madame Pomfrey has spent the last few nights pouring Calming Draughts down the throats of First Years who came to her raving about Lord Vadermort and/or the Darth Lord.

In any case, while I can hardly believe Muggles have even heard of the Dark Lord, much less made movie films about him, I respectfully request that you remove the offending title at once. Thankfully the Ministry have not taken notice. But if we have one more Gryffindor diving into the garbage vats claiming to be on the run from storm groupers, I’m sure they will. The last time the elves banished the bins without checking, Seamus Finnegan made it all the way to doors of the incinerators at Mess Alley before the waste removal elves fished him out. Thankfully, they're friends of Dobby's so told they gossiped to him before they told their wizard supervisors. By the time the supervisors were told, Mr. Finnegan was long gone. Hopefully, we won't have another incident because I'm sure we won't be as lucky next time!

Otherwise, please continue on with your exemplary work! It’s pure genius!

_Albus_

ad/eh

**Addendum**

_Might it be possible to put in a request for a faculty movie day/night? There’s been talk in the staffroom and I’m quite sure we’d all happily chip so you could purchase something a bit more grownup than soda or hot chocolate for the concession counter. And since we’re all of age, I’m quite willing to turn a blind eye to whatever you’d like to show. Madame Hooch in particular has mentioned some interesting things about a movie called “Last Tango in Paris.” Travelogues are always nice and relaxing, wouldn’t you agree?_

_Besides we can’t let the students have all the fun…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**01-19-17 Update**_ _I added a paragraph at the beginning talking about how the dungeon atmosphere is perfect for movie viewing. Also I added a note about how much money Slytherin House makes every time they host a movie showing. You didn't think they were just doing this for FUN did you? *cha-ching!*_
> 
> _My obsession with Hogwarts worklife continues. In this case, I was reading a lovely item on Pinterest on how Slytherin First Years would be traumatized by being placed there since Slytherin has such a bad rep. And how that would change as they learned more about the House then finally got to the common room to be bathed in the beautiful green light of the lake and sink into the lush upholstery. Then it occurred to me, with the dim light of the dungeons, it'd be perfect for a school movie theater. And then my inner Severus realized how much money Slytherin House could get from ticket sales, and this chapter was born *grin*_


	10. Hogwarts: Work/Life Balance - Slytherin Movie Night, Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Yet another troublesome flick afflicts Hogwarts..._

**INTER-OFFICE MEMO** **1**

 **From:** _Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster, Hogwarts_

 **To:** _Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House_

 **Re:** _Slytherin Movie Night – Title Selections, Again_

**Severus:**

My dear boy, forgive me but once again I must address a complaint regarding your movie night screenings. In the last few weeks, on 3 separate occasions, at least 3 Hogwarts students have materialized out of the blue at Gringotts during normal banking hours. One in the lobby. One in the lap of the head teller immediately after high tea. And one in a vault cart – in transit. Which would be bad enough. But immediately after appearing, the students apparently leapt up (well the one in the cart waited until it stopped) and began demanding various customers tell them “Which way to the Labyrinth?” One actually demanded to be taken directly to the Goblin King’s castle while shouting “You have no power over me!”

…Yes, it is rather mortifying, especially when the Goblin King’s emissary appeared in my bedchamber. Needless to say, that conversation did not go well. Hence, this memo and that little kerfuffle with Gringotts. My apologies for that. I understand Ms. Spencer is working hard on correcting the problem. Meanwhile, the Slytherins shall just have to make do. You’ve all gotten so fat and happy on the profits you rake in that you’ve forgotten how to fend for yourselves out of the ordinary operating budget. Please extend my sympathies to Slytherin House during this temporary inconvenience.

And, of course, please refrain from screening that title in the future.

**~*~*~*~**

**INTER-OFFICE MEMO 2**

**From:** _Demeter Spencer, Accountant, Hogwarts_

 **To:** _Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House_

 **Re:** _Slytherin Movie Night – Gringotts Account_

**Prof. Snape:**

I am delighted to inform you that Gringotts has restored your access to the Slytherin Movie account. Your account deposit and withdrawal privileges are fully active. As a result, I have deposited the profits from this week’s ticket sales in the amount of 91 galleons 8 sickels and 14 knuts.

In addition, the goblins have asked me to extend their personal thanks for removing last week’s selection from our movie line-up.

**_Addendum_ **

_Let me second that. If one more student had materialized at Gringotts shouting “You have no power over me!” and demanding to be taken to the Goblin King I think Hogwarts’ accounts might have been frozen!_

**~*~*~*~**

**MEMO TO THE STUDENT BODY**

**From:** _Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress, Hogwarts_

 **Re:** _Student Deportment_

**To All Hogwarts Students:**

In light of a recent rash of behavioral infractions, I am issuing this memo to remind the student body that they must abide by the Hogwarts Code of Conduct which includes the maintenance of civility and decorum at all times.

To that end, let me categorically state:

 ** _There is to be NO “magic dancing” in the hallways._** If neither spells nor dueling are allowed in the corridors we will certainly NOT make an exception for dancing.

 ** _Hogwarts’ Dungeons are NOT the Underground._** If you paid more attention in Prof. Binn’s History of Magic class, you would know precisely how to find the Underground as well as how stupid and dangerous it is to actually go there. Regardless of your opinion of Prof. Snape or the Slytherins, I assure you that detention with Prof. Snape would be a lark compared to encountering the actual Underground.

 **Finally, let me add that I most assuredly DO have power over you** and will use it to enforce the rules accordingly. Therefore, from here on out, any student who commits similar infractions will lose their movie privileges for TWO MONTHS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Cc:

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts  
Pomona Sprout, Head of Hufflepuff House  
Filius Flitwick, Head of Ravenclaw House  
Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I couldn't resist._


	11. Hogwarts: Work/Life Balance - Slytherin Movie Night Pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Pitfalls in the mating processes of the adolescent witch and wizard_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Okay this one has nothing to do with work...but as usual I couldn't resist. By the way, I'm not normally a Ron/Hermione shipper. I'm more a Dramione girl._

**From Minerva McGonagall, Head of Gryffindor House:**

Ms. Granger,

I do hope you understand that changing one’s wardrobe and hair style into something more…lairy might work to gain a boy’s attentions temporarily, however, it never works well in the long run. If Mr. Weasley cannot appreciate you for the lovely young lady you already are – without the teased hair, troweled on makeup and push up bra – then he is hardly worth your time let alone your attention. Why not consider some of the other young men in our House? Dean Thomas for example appears to be unattached and quite the polite young gentleman. He seems to be pleasant and good company. And his grades are excellent…

 

**From Ginny:**

Hermione, way to go on the wardrobe girl! Did you see Ron’s eyes? I thought they were going to fall right out of his head, the wanker. Still, I gotta be honest. I don’t know if he’s smart enough to take the hint. Yeah he’s my own brother but, sigh…You might want to start lining up some other candidates just in case he completely bollockses it up. Hands off Dean though. He’s mine.

 

**From Prof. Snape**

Miss Granger, 36 inch essay on why false nails should NOT be worn in the lab…And oh yes, 20 points from Gryffindor.

 

**From Justin Finch-Fletchley**

Hermione, um…wow, Hermione, just WOW. I love your, um…and what you did with your…How did you even get it to _do_ that anyway? It’s just like Sandy’s in “Slick,” or, erm, “Oil” or um whatever it was called. Cool wasn’t it? I can’t wait to catch the sequel. Well, anyway, I just wanted to come over and say Hi and…say… _WouldyouliketogowithmetoHogsmeadesthisweekend?_

 

**From Hermione to Ron:**

You better shape up! You better understand – my heart is set on YOU! So, snap out of it!

 

**From Harry to Ron:**

Dude, you blew it.

 

**From Ron to Harry:**

I hate Slytherin Movie Night.

 **From Headmaster Albus Dumbledore to Prof. Severus Snape:**  
Ah, Prof. Snape, might I have a word with you about last week’s movie selection…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Okay at this point I'm starting to think Slytherin Movie Night needs its own series. So don't be surprised if Part 4 runs in its own separate story. And yes there will be a part 4. I had a whole other selection planned and this popped into my head as I was trying to go to sleep_
> 
>  
> 
> _By the way, anyone catch the twofer I slipped in here?_


	12. Hogwarts: Work/Life Balance - Slytherin Movie Night Pt. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Albus Dumbledore is not the only nutty – or even the nuttiest – professor at Hogwarts. And he is generally tolerant of his staff’s peccadilloes. Still, one shouldn’t encourage the children…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Finally came up with part 4, whoo-hoo!_

**Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape, Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House**

My dear Severus, once again I have to inform you - 

No! I do not want to hear it, Headmaster! I have taken the blame for the kerfuffle with Gringotts and the Goblin King. I have admitted fault for the children swinging from the rafters to cross staircases not to mention that hideous double-bun hairdo the more airheaded female students have sported. We will not even discuss Miss Lovegood's penchant for running to the top of the mountain and twirling around like a madwoman as she sings. I even - Merlin help me! - helped Minerva referee that insane silver shoes versus ruby slippers battle between the Slytherin and Gryffindor girls. But I will NOT, I categorically REFUSE to take the blame for this latest debacle!

But Severus -

Headmaster, do I look inclined to bask in the sunlight? Do I strike you as being in the habit of planting blossoms, clipping hedges, weeding flowerbeds, picking daisies - picking _anything -_ except for brewing a potion?

Well, I -

So why, in the name of Salazar Slytherin - and Godric Gryffindor for that matter! - would you think I have the slightest involvement in _this_ herbaceous insanity?

I...see your point.

Just make sure that point lands on the right target - right between the eyes. If nothing else, Madame Pomfrey will breathe easier.

Yes, Severus.

 

**Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and Prof. Sprout, Head of Hufflepuff House and Herbology**

Goodness, Albus! How are you? And what in Merlin's name has brought you to my greenhouses? Have you come to see our Audrey? I knew it! Even you wouldn't be able to resist! She's quite a beauty, isn't she? I'm so proud of Timothy. He's worked so hard this year, just put all of his blood, sweat and tears into it and now look at her! Lush and gorgeous, head tall and pointed toward the sky. So much better than the one in that movie Severus showed last month. Things are so much better in real life, aren't they?

Yes, yes, they are. And that's quite a lovely maw she's got there, too.

Well, of course. You know as a carnivore she'd need some power to be able to grab her prey.

Yes, of course. By the way, have you talked to Hagrid about the Thestrals? Apparently, some have wandered off and he thought they might be attracted to some especially tasty plants you might be growing in the greenhouses. Have you noticed anything unusual or missing?

Hmm, can't say that I have. But then you know me. Always up to my elbows in mulch, not much time or attention for anything else. Plants demand so much of us.

They do indeed.

Speaking of missing, how is the search going for the absconded Ravenclaw boy? Any news?

None yet but we're following up a few leads. I suspect he simply couldn't face his NEWTS and ran off. His parents have been notified and I'm sure he'll turn up when he's hungry enough.

Ha, ha, ha, nothing like an empty stomach to motivate you. I'll have to tell you some excellent stories about how I get my 'Puffs through their OWLS. Let's just say the kitchens get quite a workout.

I look forward to it, my dear. By the way, Prof. Sprout, it was pointed out to me the other day that your Hufflepuffs never quite seem to get the attention they deserve. After all they are so hardworking and loyal. And productive. Witness Audrey. Why I think Hogwarts would collapse without their work ethic. So, in light of that integrity, I thought it might be a good idea to create a special award: the Helga Hufflepuff Herbology Honor.

Oh, Headmaster! Yes, yes, my 'Puffs would love that! Well I mean of course everyone would love that but you know how my 'Puffs tend to gravitate to herbology. And I know just the candidate.

Yes, I thought you might. In fact, I believe we are thinking of the same person. Do you think Mr. Timothy Bloodstone would be willing to temporarily absent himself from his special greenhouse project in order to receive it?

Absolutely, Headmaster. Just name the date and time and I will personally see to it that he's there.

Yes? Splendid!

 

**Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and Auror Shacklebolt Kingsley**

So, let me get this straight, Headmaster. You basically had a giant, man-eating weed -

\- Well, it was more like a walking Venus flytrap really -

= running rampant on school grounds and you _didn't_ bother to alert the Ministry?

Well, since we'd found the boy, it really wasn't necessary, was it? After all, Madame Pomfrey says he'll be good as new by September. And if he studies over the summer he'll be able to finish with his classmates on time instead of falling back a year. I must say, it's quite a satisfactory outcome.

I see. Thank you again for arranging the ruse with the award ceremony. We never would have found the Ravenclaw if you hadn't slipped Bloodstone that veritaserum in his trophy. It was quite...clever. And where is the...flora now?

Oh, we had the waste removal wizards come and cart it off to the incinerator. By now it should be nothing more than magical ash and smoke. Well the smoke might be a wee bit poisonous but not enough to permanently harm anyone in Hogsmeade or Duff Town. And the wizards who hauled it off wore those...hazel? Hostile? Hazy?

Hazmat suits?

Yes, those! So not a hair harmed on their heads. Of course, there might be later side effects -

I understand. I'll tell the Ministry that witnesses' accounts were overblown, all is well, and file a report...somehow...

Good man, Kingsley, good man! I truly appreciate your efforts. Oh, and in light of that, you must stop in for a Slytherin movie night sometime. Despite his misanthropic tendencies and a few...minor mishap...Severus has truly created a social event that's become the highlight of Hogwarts' week!

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _How many movies did I reference in this one?_


	13. Hogwarts Director of Games and Recreation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Critics have been saying for years that the students of Hogwarts need more exercise than just Quidditch. The Ministry has authorized the funding. So the search begins for Hogwarts' new Director of Games and Recreation (Just don't tell Madame Hooch!)..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Hogwarts' curriculum could use a little expanding..._

**Minutes from Hogwarts Monthly Staff Meeting  
**

**Re:** _Proposed Staffing Additions_

 **Recorded by:** _Madame Hester Hardwicke, Headmaster's Secretary_

 **Witnessed by:** _Miss Demeter Spencer, Hogwarts Accountant_

 **Prof. Xiomora Rolanda Hooch, Flight Instructor**  
What do you expect me to make of this then, Headmaster? Are you expecting me to just sit and spin on my broomstick while you hand over my students to some foreigner? Have I been so useless then? Should I start clearing out my cottage? Just say the word! I can have my son and I packed and gone by sundown! I'm sure Beauxbatons can use some expert flight instruction. I can fly more than just a broom you know - and they have a whole stable's worth of flying horses!

 **Madame Poppy Pomfrey, School Nurse**  
Well, to be honest, Rolonda, it would be nice to see the children involved in some physical activity that isn't _guaranteed_ to cause injuries...

 **Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress/Head of Gryffindor House**  
Albus, is this really necessary? The last thing we need is another excuse for students to get into mischief! Besides has Madame Pomfrey reported any problems? Are any of our students rolling around like oopma loompahs â€“ other than the ones who came here that way, I mean? No! Between quidditch and the staircases and trekking back and forth to the greenhouses AND to Care of Magical Creatures class, they get more than enough activity every week. If you ask me, this is just another excuse for Malfoy to try to insert one of his spies onto the staff.

 **Severus Snape, Potions Master/Head of Slytherin House**  
While I'm well aware that Lucius Malfoy hardly enjoys the best reputation among present company, I must admit he has a point. Nor is he the only one making it. The Ministry seems to be dead set on implementing this change. So perhaps we should stop wasting time resisting it and find ways to turn it to our advantage -

 **Hooch**  
Well of course _you'd_ support it! You and Malfoy have been thick as thieves since you were a first year!

 **McGongall**  
Not to mention, you'd love _any_ opportunity to dilute the points Gryffindor wins through quidditch now that Harry is on the team. Honestly, Severus, sour grapes do not become you!

 **Snape**  
Why Minerva, the thought never crossed my mind. Thank you for pointing it out. Our Deputy Headmistress makes an excellent point, Headmaster. Quidditch dominance _has_ created a somewhat lopsided situation with regard to the fair acquisition of house points -

 **McGonagall**  
Why Severus Snape, I said no such thing!

 **Snape**  
How does it look when the Hufflepuffs consistently land in last place because they are too tender-hearted to aggressively score against their opponents -

 **Prof. Pomona Sport, Herbology Mistress/Head of Hufflepuff House**  
Oh, we don't mind! After all, isn't it supposed to be more about the camaraderie and sportsmanship?

 **Snape**  
\- and the Ravenclaws routinely trounce the rest of the school in grades and test scores?

 **Prof. Filius Flitwick, Charms Master/Head of Ravenclaw House  
** Yes, yes, we do, don't we?

 **Snape**  
So modest, Filius. So, it seems only fair, Headmaster, that the children have more varied fields in which to compete - while also of course building a sense of teamwork and camaraderie - doesn't it?

 **Hooch**  
Quidditch does all of that and more, you snake!

 **Snape**  
Not for the students who lack talent at quidditch, you fly-by-night airhead.

 **Hooch**  
Why you -

 **Dumbledore**  
Thank you, everyone for your opinions. They have been most enlightening and I'm sure will provide much for our board of trustees to consider.

 **Hooch  
** Lovely! If anyone needs me I'll be packing my bags. Good day!

 **McGonagall** \- Rolanda!

 **Sprout** **-** Oh don't go, dear! I'm sure it's not as bad as all that!

 **Flitwick** \- Pull yourself together, Rolanda!

 **Snape** \- You might want to take those splintering school broomsticks while you're at it!

 **Dumbledore**  
Severus.

 **Snape**  
What? She said she wanted to go.

**End Meeting Notes**

**####**

**From:** _Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry_

 **To:**    _Hogwarts Board of Trustees_  
_Staff Selection Committee_  
_Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge_

 **Re:** _Proposed Staffing Additions_

**Greetings Ladies and Gentlewizards,**

I believe we may have found our candidate. Please review the resume and other credentials included below and let me know what you think. And before you raise the point: no, she is not a native of the United Kingdom but she is willing to relocate. Therefore, if we are in agreement, we can schedule an interview by monthâ€™s end.

Regards,

**Albus Dumbledore**

 

 

**####**

**From:** _Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster, Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland, vicinity of Hogsmeade_

 **To:** _Ms. Callista Costello, Founder & CEO, Party Girl Magic Planner, Ltd., Baton Rouge, LA, Constitutional Commonwealth of Magic, United States of America_

 **Date:** _\---_

**Dear Ms. Costello:**

Thank you for taking the time to make the trip to Scotland to interview with us in person. I know it can be an arduous journey, even by floo. My apologies for my inability to arrange a portkey. International traffic was quite backed up then and the Ministry's permit process was backlogged. I hope you arrived home safely and with maximum possible comfort.

The selection committee and I were most impressed with your energy and enthusiasm, not to mention your ingenuity.

Therefore, it is my pleasure to inform you that I would like to extend you an offer to join the staff here at Hogwarts. Enclosed please find a separate offer letter and contract as well as a packet detailing your proposed compensation and benefits. Please inform us at your earliest opportunity if you will accept this position, if you decline, or if you would prefer a modification in the terms.

Because of the nature and mobility of this position, it was thought best that â€“ should you accept the position â€“ you receive lodgings separate from the castle equidistant between the lake and the quidditch pitch. However, we don't currently have any unoccupied cottages ready for habitation. We will remedy that shortly once our carpenter gets hold of the property. In the meanwhile, you have the option of staying at the castle or taking temporary lodgings in the cottage of our Quidditch Coach and Flying Instructor Madame Hooch.

In any event, I must add that the Board was quite impressed as well â€“ particularly with your idea for an annual carnival to include our neighbors at Hogsmeade and Duff Town. How novel! And I must admit, hosting the local residents at the castle on an annual basis might go far to defuse some of the...tension that arises every now and then between ourselves and them. Not to mention giving our Muggle parents an opportunity to get to know us better.

Yes, should you accept, I believe this will be the beginning of a most productive relationship.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

**P.S.**

_You must believe me that Prof. Hooch is a team player and should present no difficulties should you join our faculty here. Nevertheless, I must compliment you on your foresight in presenting her with that pair of World Quidditch Cup tickets. Your contacts must be amazing. You wouldn't happen to be acquainted with a Horace Slughorn would you?_

_Also, Minerva would like me to extend her thanks for the beautifully packaged bottles of Talisker and Glenfiddich you sent._

_Yes, a most productive relationship..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Okay this is ironic because I went to Catholic school. At Catholic school we don't do gym. We pray *snerk*And when you think about it, Hogwarts is really just Catholic school. The students all wear uniforms. Penmanship matters. Severus has the wardrobe of a priest (or nun, whatever works for you *grin*). He's as mean and strict as a nun. And he can hit the students (although if you were good like me you didn't get hit; just be a doormat, it works wonders!)..._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> ...where was I? Oh yes, Hogwarts needs gym classes, fun, recreation! After all, gotta build up your stamina for all that foolish wand waving, going up and down those magic stairs, running from basilisks and Deatheathers, yadda, yadda. Hope you liked it!  
> 


	14. Hogwarts: Commuter Issues aka 'Night Knight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Even the smallest, most ordinary job can have the biggest impact… ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Ever wonder why the Death Eaters bothered to kill Knight Bus conductor Stan Shunpike? Me too. Until I realized that the most ordinary job can have historic impact…especially in the narrow confines of the Wizarding world…_

**Daily Prophet Obit**

_Knight Bus Conductor Stan Shunpike Buried_

Knight Bus Sr. Conductor Stanley Ellington Shunpike, son of Stanley Shunpike Sr. and Edith Ellington of Wandfort, was laid to rest yesterday at Celeste Alley Cemetery after a solemn graveside service. The funeral had been held earlier that day at the Church of St. Arthur-in-the-Round. The internment came weeks after Shunpike's body was found by the aurors. The remains had been held by Ministry coroners in order to ascertain the cause of death. Although the report has not been officially released, unofficial sources place the blame squarely on the Death Eaters. No information on the curse used was available.

Born and raised in Scrappden Hedge in the southeastern end of the Narrows, Mr. Shunpike was killed by Death Eaters after being kidnapped in a Death Eater raid 7 months ago. Mr. Shunpike's body was found near Groden Wood, not far from his parents' cottage in Undermoss Grate.

Although he resided in New Trail Alley, Mr. Shunpike was a celebrated son of the Narrows, that sketchy region notorious for its freewheeling mix of squibs, marginally talented wizards and magic-curious Muggles. Like most of his compatriots, Mr. Shunpike was informally educated, serving a quasi-apprenticeship on St. Mungo's Sav-Mobile, the mobile medical unit that serves the Narrows.

After gaining a good report from the Sav-Mobile Surgeon General Willibald Cartwright, he obtained an entry-level position on the Knight Bus, serving beverages and changing bed sheets before rising to the position of senior conductor. In his 12-year tenure, Mr. Shunpike became known as a comforting presence among witches and wizards finding relief in the emergency transport the Knight Bus provides.

Those readers befuddled as to why the Death Eaters might target such an unassuming person as the Knight Bus conductor will recall that the Knight Bus was named to honor the legacy of the Knights of the Order of Walpurgis, traditional protectors of wizards or witches persecuted by fanatically religious Muggles. The Order of Walpurgis was founded in the late 1200s in the aftermath of the establishment of the Inquisition and lasted for over three centuries before being officially disbanded in accordance with the enactment of the Statue of Secrecy in 1689.

Since then this disbandment has remained an especially sore point among Pureblood families who made up the bulk of the Walpurgis Knights. The Knight Bus' establishment in 1865 was met with vociferous protest from the Wizengamot's Pureblood faction at the time. To appease that faction, the Ministry had taken care to appoint conductors and drivers from families that were longstanding retainers of aristocratic pureblood families.

This practice was discontinued in 1946 - again to great protest - although the Ministry took care to avoid appointing wizards or witches of any known Muggle ancestry as senior conductors. Although Mr. Shunpike had no known Muggle ancestry, he was the first senior conductor who had been born and raised in the Narrows. That fact is thought to have been one of the motivations for the attack.

"It's clear, the followers of You Know Who are sending a message," said one agitated burial attendant who asked to remain nameless. "For centuries, in their mind, they've endured the insult of the Knight Bus. Well those days are over. They're tired of accepting the Ministry's compromises and they're taking matters into their own hands. No one is safe!"

In light of this, the Ministry has announced suspension of all Knight Bus service until further notice...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Sorry there's not much of a story here. Just wanted to answer some questions for myself. Below are some explanations of my head canon._
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>  _ **The Narrows**_ – _a name used to refer collectively to extremely rural or fringe settlements within Magical Britain. Loosely administered by the Ministry of Magic, the Narrows is comprised of the lowest tiers of wizard society, even lower than Knockturn Alley._
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>  _These are wizards who wouldn’t even be admitted to the **Cornwall Institute for Practical Magic**_ \- _that "downmarket excuse" of a wizard school as Severus archly describes it. Although Cornwall students may use wands if they wish, the denizens of the Narrows generally don’t or can’t. They typically don’t have enough magic to channel through a wand yet they are still not squibs. They can do very very simple wandless spells like lighting a candle but a Cornwall alum could spell circles around them if they wished._
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>  _Think something like this couldn't exist? Just ask yourself: where did the trolley lady on the Hogwarts Express go to school? Or the little maid in the Prisoner of Azkaban who told her growling hotel guest that she'd come back later? You think THEY went to Hogwarts? Sure they did... People don't disappear just because they don't have enough money or status - or, in this case, magical power - to hang with the middle class or upscale crowd. Hogwarts, in my humble little AU fanfic writer's opinion, is an elite school, no matter how often that notion is denied or soft-pedaled. Which means scores of people CANNOT get it. Where do they all go? Where do they come from? Where do they LIVE?_  
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>  _These are all questions I can't help but try to answer. And I haven't figured them all out yet. But the one thing I DO know is that they're important too._  
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>  ** _Some communities in the Narrows:_** __  
>  _Groden Wood_  
>  _Hag’s Den aka Haggsden_  
>  _Ironbrook or Ironbrück_  
>  _Kettle-pitch Caravan Park_  
>  _Scrappden_  
>  _Sludgeden_  
>  _Tappden_  
>  _Undermoss Grate_  
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>  ** _Celeste Alley Cemetery -_** _ _a cemetery located in Celeste Alley, one of the alleys I listed in my Trapped in the Alley meta essay. Churches and related institutions tend to cluster there - because I can't believe the wizard world in London is only Diagon and Knockturn alleys.__  
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**Author's Note:**

> _At the moment, this is designed to be a series of vignettes giving a backstage look at the wheels and cogs of how Hogwarts runs. I don't have an end in mind. Mainly, I just want to introduce these characters so I can use them later in other stories if necessary. But if I can have a little fun along the way, why not?_
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> **_Updated series note:_** _this really IS my staging ground for new characters for stories that I've planned and not written or partially written but not posted - or even to introduce in WIP Harry Potter story chapters that I haven't posted yet. So if you're looking for hints on what direction any of my WIP Harry Potter stories that haven't been updated yet, check here first. Also, I'm toying with the idea of adding a blog and possibly posting more of my meta. Let me know if you have any interest and thanks as always for reading, kudo-ing, commenting, and/or bookmarking!_


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